Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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