I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
