Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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