There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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