do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
