my room smells like sperm. sweet.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
