my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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