LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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