Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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