He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
