McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
