see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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