so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
