At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
