Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
