OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
