i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
