I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
