Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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