I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The air taste purple.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
