"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
