it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
