I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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