I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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