Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
