final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
