I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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