it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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