What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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