Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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