Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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