My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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