after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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