Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
