Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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