so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
