you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
