I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
