she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
