Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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