OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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