how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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