You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
