My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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