whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
