you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
