i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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