i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
