Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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