You smell like a Billy Joel song
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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