he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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