I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
