I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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