Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
