we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
