haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Houston, we have a squirter
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
