And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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