I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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