Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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