can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
