Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
